28th of February 2018

Friendship. It's complicated

"You can't stop the future

You can't rewind the past

The only way to learn the secret

...is to press play"

- Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

Friendship. It's complicated.

This is a very personal story of my life.

Because I am choosing to share my life on social media I am aware that I am opening myself to criticism and free for everyone to read my posts, but if you are not interested in these kinds of things I am welcoming you to read other posts on this blog.

If you are still here, carry on.

Life is a roller coaster. You never know what's next, and you are never ready enough.

This is a story about friendships, the lost ones.

As I think about life and what I lived, I do believe that the friendships I formed are what made me be today. And I'm not talking about the casual friendships we make during life. I am talking about that one special person we call a best friend.

Best friend is such a special title, we give it to only one person and we pour our hearts into them.

It's a beautiful type of relationship. Makes you think it lasts a lifetime. But do they?

For those know me, I am a very bubbly happy-go-lucky individual and I talk with easy to everyone around me. But the truth is, I rarely let a person enter my life. I rarely call a person a friend, and if I do, it's kind of a big deal. Let alone call someone my best friend. That's a whole 'nother level.

Here is the story of the four people whom I gave this special title to.

Dear B, (2000-2006)

I met you when we were six, in first grade. My first real friend. We were in the same class and we clicked right away. We were inseparable in school.

Our beautiful friendship lasted six great years. It was full of laughter and we did all kind of crazy things. I guess we even were elementary's most popular kids.

We used to provoke reactions from people and run away, and so for them to not recognize us, we changed each others cloths thinking we would confuse them and not realize it was us. We used to draw every day to each other and exchange them at the end of the day. I think we had at least one thousand of drawings that we always cherished.

You were so great, we really thought it would last forever. But in 6th grade, you told me you were moving to Hungary, which was a different country than we were in. I remember how heart broken you were and cried on our last time hanging out. I sent you off with a smile telling you a better life would await for you. We promised to never forget each other and to stay in touch. We did that a good period of time, and we did visit each other a couple of times.

But you know. Time passes. We are humans after all.

Dear K, (2006-2009)

I will probably never find a person again in my lifetime, that made me laugh so hard the way you did. The first image I have when thinking about our friendship is genuine happiness, laughing, innocence, youth. I just was to thank you for giving me so much confidence and overall an awesome childhood.

Those three years we spent every single day together were the happiest. I was so lucky to be in the same class with you.

I was 12 at that time, and it was because of you that I discovered myself who I am as a person. To this day I lived a life full of confidence and this big radiance was because I had someone like you besides me growing up.

I will never forget that summer in that park. We used to be there from 8AM until late at night. Be it hot, cold, freezing, stormy, windy, rainy, etc.

You would always put up with my crazy ideas, you would encourage me when I felt the worst and you just made me a better human being, thank you for that. I wish I still had someone like you, you kept me sane.

After we graduated middle school, we went to separate high schools. We weren't in the same class anymore, we didn't hang out as much as we used to.

What happened? New school. New people. New experience. We didn't intend to stop being friends, we never wanted that to happen.

I guess it happened naturally, and before we even realized it. Years passed by, and now we don't know anything about each other.

Dear M(2011-2013)

I think our friendship was the shortest, but it was an important one for me.

In 2009, I had my first boyfriend, I was one of the popular kids, I was loved by everyone around me. I guess I didn't feel the need of a friend. Until you came along in 2011. You came late to my school, only for the last two years of high school. Once again, I found a best friend that was yet again my classmate. We set next to each other at every class. It was the right time and the right place. We had things in common: we both had a boyfriend, we both stressed out of exams at the time and we felt we could tell each other anything.

Everything was great, until we both broke up with our boyfriends, almost at the same time, unplanned. We suffered together, we were there for each other. We were both heartbroken and stressed out of the final exams that depended whether we go to a University or not. Our future were in our hands and concentrating was hard, so the pressure was too much. Because of all the stress we sometimes argued for nothing. And as the final day came, the argues were worse each day, until we just stopped talking. Looking back now I understand, damaged people sometimes push away people when they need help.

Dear C, (2013-2017)

You might feel confused and you might not understand. You knew me the best from everybody else. I opened up to you the most. I loved you the most.

I think you knew well of the hardships I carried every day in my heart. It was not easy for me. And I selfishly saw my own pain in my soul. Which were unbearable and the simple act of living was tough.

You tried. I know you did. You did everything to heal me and stayed by my side, especially at moments which were not easy to stay.

You see, when the world is crashing, something in you dies. You lose sight of the things around you.

I guess it was too dark for me to see that you, yourself was suffering too. It was unhealthy to be around a person like me, so I felt it was better to push you away hoping you'll be fine.

You might think that was a selfish act, but really dragging you down with me would've been selfish.

Never have I trusted anyone in my life the way I trusted you. I knew that whatever life would bring me, you'd be always there with me.

We were in the same high school, but started being friends only after graduation. And ever since then, we were inseparable.

I will forever thank the Universe from bringing you into my life.

Life doesn't always have to be logical.

But sometimes, life bugs in between people.

Since then I didn't have anyone to call a best friend, as I said, I hardly let people enter my life that easily. Sometimes you can say that I'm a loner, sometimes I do feel a little bit lonely. But that's okay. I'm not in a hurry.

I have yet to see what life brings me in the future.



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